HolyMaryMotherofGawd's Tales of the Teen Titans
by HolyMaryMotherofGawd
Summary: Here be edge of your seat storytelling and vivid imagery of unpronounced fackery. A completely improvised series with no real point. RobStar, RavenXEminem. Enjoy or be slain, fgt. Rated M for mature themes, adult humor, and language.


**AUTHOR'S COMMENTS:**

**Aight, so lemme just explain a few things here.**

**To all 15 of you who are currently following 'Aftermath', I am aware that it's been over a month since the last update. And I'm sorry for that. But, I do have a few lame-ass excuses for this.**

**1.) Writer's block has hit me in the face like Miley Cyrus' wrecking ball, and that's pretty damn hard. I have a rough idea for the part I'm writing, but I'm having a hard time putting it down on documents. I'm literally staring at the screen for 10 minutes before going 'nope' and closing the document.**

**2.) Grand Theft Auto V. Seriously, this game is perfect in every way. Go pick up a copy if you can. It's consuming so much of my time right now.**

**3.) I've recently entered a new relationship with a wonderful girl, and I've been spending a good amount of time with her.**

**4.) I managed to snag a leaked torrent of Eminem's 'The Marshall Mathers LP 2' from a friend, so I've had it on repeat for the past week and a half. It's incredible. So incredible that I'm gonna buy a copy even though I have it for free right now. Seriously, buy dem shits.**

**So to make it up to the followers, I'm writing this fun little romp that holds no canonical weight whatsoever in 'Aftermath'. However, it takes place in the same 'universe' as the story. So it's not really meant to be taken seriously.**

**So that means yes, Machina's in it.**

**Deal with it, ye hoebag.**

**I sincerely hope you enjoy it.**

**Cheers.**

**~HolyMaryMotherofGawd**

* * *

DISCLAIMER

This fanfic is rated M for: Mature humor, adult themes, and fuckin' language.

* * *

_October 25th, 2013_

"C'mon, you motherfucking, cocksucking, testicle fondling, ass licking, rimjob! Get in the hole!" Machina grumbled to himself as he proved the above language warning completely right while he attempted to poke a thin tube through a drain pipe to retrieve a piece of dropped hamburger.

It wasn't the sink drain that he dropped it down, oh no. He dropped it down the shower drain in the bathroom near Starfire's room.

Sometimes Machina likes to eat in the showers, don't judge him.

Anyways, Machina just wasn't having any luck. The hole was rather tiny, just barely big enough to fit the tube into, the key word being 'barely'. It wouldn't go in without quite a bit of force, and again, the hole was tiny.

"If this is what sex is like, I'm not missing out on much!" Machina said to himself as he missed the hole again.

Meanwhile, in Starfire's room, her and Robin pulled away from a rather passionate kiss.

"Boyfriend Robin," Starfire started, shyly. "I wish to ask something of you."

Robin backed his face away a little. "What is it, Star?"

"Well, you and I have done the dating for quite a period of time..."

"Yes?" Robin raised an eyebrow.

"I..." She started, poking her fingers together.

"Starfire, just say i-"

"I WANT TO DO A SEX ON YOU!" Starfire blurted out, flailing her arms about.

Robin was taken aback, shocked by what he had just heard.

There was an awkward silence.

"Starfire," Robin began. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"More ready then anything in my entire life." Starfire took his hand in hers.

They leaned forward slowly. Robin cupped Starfire's left cheek in his right hand, and stroked a stray bunch of hair out of the way. They leaned further, until they could feel their soft breath on each other's faces. They got closer still, until their lips were practically touching-

"GET IN THERE YOU WHORE!" came a muffled yell from the bathroom above the room followed by four loud thumps.

Robin and Starfire were silent for a few seconds before they looked back at each other.

"Where were we?" Robin asked, smirking.

"I believe we about to the sex at one another."

"Oh, right." They leaned towards each other again.

"GOD DAMMIT, IT JUST WON'T GO IN!" two much louder thumps came from above.

Robin and Starfire just stared up at the ceiling, listening to the rhythmic thumping that came from above.

"YOU." Thump. "FUCKER." Thump. "GO." Thump "IN."

A sudden, stupidly loud thump made both Robin and Starfire jump.

This was soon followed by a soft sobbing.

Turns out, people crying is a turn off for most people. MOST people.

"Maybe another time?" Robin asked.

"Most certainly, yes."

* * *

Meanwhile, Cyborg had just finished polishing his car. He then leaned onto the hood, and kissed it seductively.

"Aw, baby. I'd wreck you so hard."

He then continued to move his lips up the hood towards the windshield, blissfully unaware the unintentional pun about cars and wrecks that I didn't even notice I wrote until now.

He was also blissfully unaware of Beast Boy standing in the doorway, the expression on his face a mix of shock, humor, and horror.

He stood there for a full thirty seconds before Cyborg noticed him, and he looked Beast Boy directly in the eye just as his lips touched the hood of the car.

"Dafuq are you doing?" Beast Boy almost yelled.

Cyborg jumped up and pointed a finger at Beast Boy. "TELL NO ONE!"

"I dunno, man." Beast Boy's eyebrow raised as an evil grin came across his face. "Maybe you'll have to do something for me first."

"Aw c'mon man. Don't do this to me." Cyborg looked like he was about to cry.

"Why not?"

"IM BEGGING YOU!" Cyborg dropped to his knees.

"Hmm." Beast Boy pretended to think about the situation. "Nope. Sorry. From now on, you're my Cy-BITCH!"

"YOU LITTLE GREEN SHIT I'LL-"  
"ROBIN! ROBIN! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I SAW CYBORG DOING!"

"OKAY! OKAY!" Cyborg drooped his head in defeat. "I-I'll do whatever you ask..."

"Damn right you will." Beast Boy's face contorted into a grin that resembled that one grin that the Grinch did in that old school cartoon. You know, the 'wonderful, awful idea' one.

* * *

Raven was sitting on her usual spot on the couch, her legs in a lotus position, and her face in some old ancient book on ancient shit. She was completely engrossed in her story, and was unaware of almost everything around her.

_And so, Shits McGee, the brave knight tasked with defending the kingdom of Pen Island drew his sword to face the ferocious dragon that towered above him. He showed no fear as he faced the beast head on._

_"Stand fast, demon! For I'm about to cleave thee a new butthole!" Shits McGee shouted as he raised his sword._

_The dragon lowered its head down to Shits' level, and roared. Shits McGee did not so much as flinch as the large wind force violently hit his face, along with the smell of rotting flesh and brimstone. He was also hit right in the schnoz with a half-decomposed cow, but the point is, he didn't flinch._

_"For Pen Islaaannnnnndddd!" yelled Shits McGee as he ran directly at the beast._

This story was so fucking immersive and well written that Raven didn't notice Cyborg sneaking up beside her.

* * *

Cyborg, holding a small bundle of paper in his hands, shuffled uneasily towards Raven, who was reading peacefully. He didn't want to do this. She would fuck up his shit for sure. She wouldn't even wait for an explanation. He looked back towards Beast Boy, who was peeking from behind a doorframe.

He smiled at him, and waved his hand in a "Go! Go!" fashion.

Cyborg hesitated, and decided that dying would be a lot better than suffering the embarrassment of Beast Boy telling the whole team. He shuffle to Raven's direct right. She still didn't notice him. He took a deep breath, and prepared himself.

He then kicked her right in the butt, off of the couch.

Raven sprang up like a coil.

"What was THAT!?" she said a tone that would make Dwayne Johnson cry like a little bitch.

"Hold on..." Cyborg shuffled his papers in front of his face. He looked for the one with writing on it, which was hidden underneath two other papers so he wouldn't look. He had no idea what the paper said.

"Well?"

"Hold on!"

"EXPLAIN THIS!"

"Here we are..." Cyborg said, his tone of voice completely betraying the absolute fear he was feeling. He held the paper outstretched in his arms.

"I must have found Azarath..."

Raven glared at him.

"...cuz' your ass is out of this world."

Cyborg's eyes widened as he slowly lowered the papers to his chest.

The look he saw on Raven's face would haunt him for the rest of his days.

He saw her left eye twitch once before he went flying through the window.

As he fell, he saw his life flash before his eyes. From his earliest memory of being on the beach with his family, to that time with the dog and the peanut butter, to that time he tried to engage in coitus with a toaster, to that time with Bumblebee and the peanut butter. It was all there to see before he hit the ground and his life ended.

He hit the ground with a sickening 'thud'.

Cyborg lay there for a few seconds.

"Ow, fuck!"

* * *

_October 29th, 2013_

A loud, rhythmic thumping was heard from inside Machina's room, and it had been blaring all day.  
Raven, was having enough of it. She stormed up to Machina's room, and knocked very loudly on the door.

"Machina! Open up this damn door!"

"Um. No." came Machina's muffled voice from inside the door, barely audible over the blaring hip hop beats.

"Why not!?"

"You're gonna yell at me."

"I'm gonna do a LOT more than just yell at you if you don't open this door RIGHT NOW!"

Silence.

"I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of me not letting you in." the volume of the music increased.

Raven decided that she had had it with this little fucknugget's attitude, and she used her dark magic to throw the door from it's hinges and into Machina's room. Machina gave a manly shriek and flailed his limbs in fear. He quickly moved to his speakers and shut off the music.

"What the actual FACK, Rae!?" he yelled.

"Don't you mean, 'fuck'?"

"No, not 'fuck'," Machina corrected. "I said FACK."

"Whatever. Just don't turn the music up that loud again or I WILL kill you."

"But...but..."

"What?"

"I got a leaked copy of 'The Marshall Mathers LP 2' and I can't stop listening to it!"

"The new Eminem album?"

"Yeah."

Raven rolled her eyes and huffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Machina raised an eyebrow, looking slightly offended from Raven's obviously differing opinion. Machina couldn't fathom why somebody wouldn't like something that he liked.

"He's a despicable, mysoginistic, homophobic, prick."

"Hey, now. That's not true."

"Yes it is. His music is disgusting."

"Oh, so you're only judging him based on the subjects in his music?"

Raven didn't have anything to say to that.

"And I take it you only know of him due to all the controversy his music has caused?"

"Um..."

"AH FUCKIN' GOT YOU YA BITCH!" Machina pointed a finger at Raven in triumph.

"Okay fine." Raven rolled her eyes again. "But you still have an illegal copy."

"Yeah?"

"That's illegal."

"I'm a Teen Titan though." Machina countered. "Think I give a SHIET!?"

Machina laughed.

"Besides, Shady's got enough money, don't you think? What's he gonna do? Come beat me up?"

Heh.

* * *

_ Detroit, Michigan_

Marshall Mathers was sitting on his golden throne in his Rap Castle, legs crossed, surrounded by all 250 of his bitches, feeling the warm fur of yet another extinct species brushing against his skin, drinking a glass of fine malt liquor. Lil' Wayne was cleaning the bathrooms, and Macklemore was polishing his shoes while he wore them. There was only one week before 'The Marshall Mathers LP 2' was released, and things were looking good for the blonde haired hunk of fuckable beast.

Suddenly, an alarm blared. Marshall quickly looked diagonally to his right, startled by the sudden noise.

"Dafuq is dis?" he said rather calmly.

He stood, and put his arms out to the side in a Christ pose.

"Bitches, disperse!" he yelled after he stood for a few seconds. The bitches scattered. Eminem kicked his foot, sending Macklemore falling all 3 stories from the throne to the ground.

Mr. Mathers made his way down the golden staircase from his golden throne, his fuzzy robe flowing majestically behind him. As he made his way to level ground, a large computer monitor rose out of the ground. He stared at it for a couple seconds, coming to terms with what he was reading.

"DAFUQ YOU MEAN THE ALBUM LEAKED!?" he yelled angrily to no one in particular.

The monitor then pin pointed one of the earliest known obtainers of the leak, somebody in Jump City.

"Zoom in." Slim Shady told his computer.

The picture zoomed in, and revealed the location to be 'Titans Tower'.

"Aw, man. No way." Marshall asked, persistent to find out which Titan had a leaked copy of MMLP2. ""Zoom in again."

It zoomed down into one of the rooms, revealing the hero known as 'Machina'. Standing with the Titan known as 'Raven.' Turns out, Eminem was a huge fan of the Titans. And he was starting to get a little frustrated with the fact that he wrote them but they still ain't callin'

He left his cell, his pager, and his home phone at the bottom.

He sent them two letters back in autumn, they must not-a got 'em.

There must of been a problem at the post office or somethin'.

Sometimes, he scribbles addresses too sloppy when he jots 'em.

But he wasn't about to have his masterpiece of an album leaked illegally by anybody. Oh no. Little did Machina know, he was about to get his ass wooped.

Eminem quickly changed into his signature white t-shirt and jeans, and jumped out of his room in an epic superhero pose.

"TO THE SHADYMOBILE!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.

Defying all laws of physics, he jumped straight from the highest room in his Rap Castle to his secret underground lair, where various technologies were scattered around. Dr. Dre was down there already, toying with some of the fancy gadgets.

"Ah, Slim. I see you've noticed the leak, dawg." Dre said in a very collected tone.

"Yes. I have." Eminem responded. "I have a fix on a Teen Titan, 'Machina', who was one of the earliest receivers of the leak. I plan to deal with this myself."

"Wise decision, my former apprentice." Dre smiled.

"Fo' sho'." Eminem said, confidence filling his voice. "Now, if you don't mind please. Dre, the Shadymobile."

Dr. Dre pulled out a small remote and clicked a large red button. Suddenly, a circular panel on the floor seemed to dissolve, and the Shadymobile rose out of the ground. You can imagine how it looked yourself, ye butt. I'm too lazy at the moment to describe how it looked.

Eminem climbed in, and did up his seatbelt. He hit the gas, and sped out of the garage exit.

* * *

_Jump City._

"...What's he gonna do? Come beat me up?"

The conversation was interrupted as Marshall Mathers himself came crashing through the window in a Superman pose. He rolled once, and jumped to his feet.

"Holy shit! You're Eminem!" Machina fangirled all over the floor.

"Yes! It is I!" Eminem put his fists on his hips and puffed his chest out. "THE REAL SLIM SHADY!"

He then pointed to Machina.

"And YOU have an illegal copy of my new album, you faggot!"

"Yes, I do. But I'm gonna go out and buy it anyways because it's so good-"

Machina was interrupted by a swift uppercut to his chin from Eminem, which made him crash against the ceiling, leaving a crack where his body hit. He then fell to the ground with a thud.

"I said I'm gonna buy it!" Machina pleaded.

Raven had to admit, she was enjoying this. That, and Marshall Mathers was rather good looking.

Machina got up, dusted himself off, and activated his helmet. Eminem jumped in the air like a ninja, doing a front flip, and bringing his heel down hard on the top of Machina's head.

Machina's face was buried into the ground. He pulled it out of the concrete, and proceded to dodge and parry a barrage of lightning fast attacks from Slim.

"No, Em I can't hit you back because you're like my fuckin' idol!" Machina yelled.

Suddenly, Machina was hit with a palm to his chest, sending him staggering back. Eminem went into a power stance, legs spread, and arms moving in a circular motion.

"Lyrics comin' at ya at super sonic speed..." he said calmly.

He then charged at Machina, and began to hit Machina with lightning fast punches as he perfectly recited that one super fast verse in 'Rap God'.

"UH, SAMALAMADAMALAMAYOUASSUMIN'IMAHUMANWHATIGOTTADOTOG ETITTHROUGHTOYOUI'MSUPERHUMANINNOVATIVENADI'MMADEO FRUBBERSOTHATEVERYTHINYOUSAYIN'SRICOCHETINGOFFAMEA NDIT'LLGLUETOYOUI'MDEVASTATINGMORETHANEVERDEMONSTR ATINGHOWTOGIVEAMOTHERFUCKIN'AUDIENCEAFEELINGLIKEIT 'SLEVITATINGEVERFADINGANDIKNOWTHEHATER'SAREFOREVER WAITINGFORTHEDAYTHEYCANSAYIFELLOFFTHEY'LLBECELEBRA TINGCUZIKNOWTOGET'EMMOTIVATEDIMAKEELEVATINGMUSIC, YOU MAKE ELEVATOR MUSIC!"

Eminem finalized his sick verse with a final punch to Machina's chest, sending a small shockwave throughout the room. Machina went flying through the wall of his room.

He layed there, on the ground, groaning as Marshall Mathers, in all his glory, approached him.

"That'll teach you not to illegally download my albums, BITCH!" he said triumphantly.

Machina groaned in pain again.

"Oh, one more thing." Eminem dug in his pocket, producing a sharpie and a small picture of Machina. "Can I get your autograph on this for my daughter, Hailie? You're her favorite Titan, and I promised her I'd get an autograph."

Machina slowly took the sharpie and signed the picture.

Eminem took the picture, looked at it, and smiled. He then suddenly whipped around and pointed at Raven.

"YOU on the other hand..." he started. "Are MY favorite Titan."

Raven blushed. "Me? Really?"

"Hell yeah, girl." Marshall Mathers zipped to her side, confidently leaning on the wall like a balla'. "And YOU are coming back to the Rap Castle with me, you sexy motherfucker you." He put his hand around her waist.

Raven grew dizzy and weak at the knees. "Uh. Okaaayyyy." she said, clearly infatuated.

He quickly looked at Machina, and threw down a signed poster at him.

"Here ya go. No hard feelings." Eminem then turned to the window with Raven. "Oh, and sorry about the window. SHADY POWERS, GO!"

Suddenly, in a ray of light, the window was miraculously repaired.

"Now! SHADY AWAY!" he yelled as he crashed through the window again.

Machina groaned.

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED, ASSHOLES!**

**By the way I can do that really fast part in Rap God.**


End file.
